Four Thoughts
by Zetta
Summary: Four thoughts on love and lust and girls and stuff. MWPP.


. Four Thoughts .

. By Zetta .  
. Disclaimer: See JK Rowling/Scholastic/Bloomsbury/Etc. for ownership .  
. Summary: Four thoughts on love and lust and girls and stuff .   
. Response to the April 2004 Moonthly Challenge, as featured on the lazymwppwriters mailing list .  
. Rating: PG for allusions to sex .  
. Author's Notes: Not sure where this came from, or even if I like it, but here it is anyway .

. Third Year .

Remus watched silently as Sirius laughed and joked around while getting ready to go out on his first date- the first date for all of them, really, because they'd put as much into setting the date up as Sirius had. And as soon as Sirius got back, he would tell them everything.

In a purely non-girly gossipy way, of course.

It was the way their friendship worked.

James and Peter were in good moods, as excited as Sirius.

They were all a little jealous, of course, but because it was Sirius, they understood- he had a way with people. Teachers, girls, friends, complete strangers... He could charm anyone into anything. Even the Slytherins, if he wanted to, but he had better taste than that.

But still, the jealousy that Remus felt was deep seeded and painful. He knew, and had known since setting up the date, that he could never be in Sirius's position. He would never date, never get a girlfriend. He might never even had sex- a thought that disturbed him more than it would most boys his age, because it was quite possibly true.

He was a werewolf, and werewolves couldn't be allowed to reproduce or even to risk it.

It made it all the more painful when, in his most insightful moments, he saw his parents together and was able to recognize the real love they had for each other. The way they just... fit together, like they were made for each other. All the differences aside- a Muggleborn and a Pureblood- they were still undeniably _right_ together.

When he thought about it, and could name what he was feeling, he knew that he ached because he would never have that someone with him. He would never share in love so deep and strong that it could survive what theirs had.

Mixed bloodlines, warring family... Voldemort.

Their son turning into a werewolf once a month at the tender age of five.

Despite that, the smile on his face was only half fake. He wanted this for his friends, in a way that they would call unselfish when they were old enough to recognize what was going on. He called it living through other people.

And perhaps because he'd already given up hope of his own future love, perhaps because it was an easy sacrifice compared to the things his friends had done for him, he was able to smile and be happy for Sirius.

He could live through a lot, as long as his friends were happy.

. Fifth Year .

Without any pretenses of being modest or nurturing his ego, James knew that girls would line up to go out on a date with him.

He had the looks, the charm, the charisma...

The popularity and the money.

And he would have given it all up for one chance with Lily Evans.

He wouldn't realize it until seventh year, but that's what she was waiting for. For him to drop the pretenses and be himself.

But that wouldn't be for two more years, and James was suffering now.

She was pretty, she was smart, and she was funny.

At least when she didn't think he was listening. When he was listening and she knew it, she was snappish and rude.

He kind of liked that she stood up to him, though he wasn't a big fan of the way she did it publicly.

The memory of the OWL incident still made him flinch, and it had been several days.

Any other girl would have gone out with him a dozen boxes of candy ago, and two dozen dozen roses ago.

It couldn't be that she didn't _like_ him. Everyone liked him.

Except the Slytherins, but they didn't count.

So what was it that kept her from going out with him?

He'd asked her in public, he'd asked her in private, and no matter what, she never agreed.

He'd done special tricks on a broom in front of her, tricks that would have had any Quidditch scout drooling, and she would just roll her eyes and call him a show off.

He'd won twenty points for Gryffindor by answering an advanced Transfiguration question and she'd called him the same.

He joked, and was clever around her, and she still hated him.

Never mind sleeping with her, or even kissing her anymore, he just wanted her to look at him and not be glaring!

He watched her as she and one of her friends giggled over a joke or something and turned and sighed into the lukewarm mashed potatoes on his plate.

Sometimes, he just didn't _get_ girls.

. Seventh Year .

There were times when Peter hated his friends. It horrified him to admit it, even just to himself, but he couldn't help it.

He had kissed two girls while he was at Hogwarts, and despite Sirius and James's claims to the contrary, the earth didn't move and the stars didn't shine brighter- for him _or_ the girl.

He wondered if it was because he couldn't get the popular girls to go out with him. Maybe only certain girls were willing to do what James and Sirius always talked about.

He snorted. Not that James was talking much about that stuff anymore- he'd stopped last year, after Lily Evans had chewed him out- again- for being a stuck up twerp. James had turned into a good little boy who never had fun anymore. Even Sirius had gotten irritated with James always saying "But Lily wouldn't like -"

Which made no sense at all, because now that James and Lily were together, James was acting like himself again, and had led them on a dozen pranks and practical jokes.

And Lily had agreed to be his steady girlfriend even after the Pumpkin Head Incident.

Sirius was as bad as James in a different way. Sirius cancelled their outings and ignored them with a different girl each week.

Peter couldn't decide which was more annoying, and abruptly decided on Sirius.

Sirius, who had a new girlfriend every time he felt like it, and never once asked one of them to go out with Peter.

Peter didn't want a relationship like James and Lily. And he didn't want a dozen girls like Sirius. And he certainly didn't want no one, like Remus claimed to.

He just wanted _something_. It angered him that Sirius and James flaunted what they had, and complained about it too, without ever seeming to recognize that he and Remus were alone and lonely.

Peter knew he wasn't the smartest or the most attractive.

But he really resented the fact that, standing next to James and Sirius, he looked like the least.

. The Wedding .

Sirius had been seeing her for a month, and decided, on a whim, to bring her to the wedding.

Lily hadn't said anything, but she hadn't been pleased.

James hadn't said anything either, but Sirius thought he was unhappy about it to.

Sirius didn't particularly care.

James was going off, marrying this girl, and hadn't given Sirius a say, and Sirius wasn't about to let James have a say in his own love life. Or rather, lust life.

He and James hadn't ever had problems when they were still at Hogwarts, competing for the prettiest girl in the class (though James had always had half an eye on Lily, who had paid him any attention at all until seventh year).

It had been when he started going out with Lily that things had gotten this way.

Before, he and the guys had put up with James and his Don't-Do-Anything-Lily-Wouldn't-Do stage, which, while annoying, had probably been good for them.

But once he got over that, and ended up getting Lily, he changed. James had tried to make it work again, but they had all felt that it was different.

The problem was, Sirius really liked Lily. She was smart and pretty and a good match for James.

But now, it was never SiriusandJames or SiriusandJamesandRemusandPeter... It was always Sirius and JamesandLily or SiriusandRemusandPeter and JamesandLily.

Always JamesandLily.

Which wasn't to say that they didn't spend time without her, but it was like, even when she wasn't there, her presence was, reminding them that things were different.

And now, James was making that connection even more permanent, and he was swearing to keep it that way for the rest of his life.

It felt like James was slipping even further away, and Sirius hated that. Part of him hated James for bringing her in and changing everything.

The other part of him wanted James to be happy, and that was the part he let show. He grinned for the pictures and threw his arm around James's shoulder and offered him advice for deflowering the bride- a matter that had been taken care of a long time ago in the Astronomy Tower... something that James had quietly gloated about for weeks, until Lily, humiliated, had threatened that it would never happen again if he didn't quit his "God-damned smirking".

Moments like that made him love Lily.

But moments like this just plain hurt.

Deep down, part of him wondered if it was just jealousy that made him this way. Jealousy because he and the blonde sitting a few aisles back would never be walking up the aisle.

That same part of him made him realize that he was jealous of not only the marriage, but the love as well. James's smile was real and true, not pasted on, or overly done, but a gentle, peaceful smile as he looked at Lily, who gazed at him with an identical look in her eyes.

JamesandSirius was gone for ever, Sirius realized with growing discomfort. Perhaps the wedding was doing what nothing else, including the engagement and the pregnancy scare, had done, and making him realize that things were changing and would never be the same.

For better or for worse.

Sirius wanted to laugh, but it really wasn't funny, but frightening.

James had ceased to exist as the guy who had befriended him and cheated on tests with him and played pranks with him. James was now the guy who used to do that, but was now connected to someone else on a level Sirius didn't really understand.

Sirius didn't like change, especially when it came to the nice, stable relationship his friends had once had.

He watched James and Lily recite their vows in strong voices, looking at each other like they were able to see the secrets of the universe in each other's eyes, like they would do anything for each other, like they would really protect and cherish each other... Like they were in love.

And Sirius knew that he didn't have a choice about the change.

. The End .


End file.
